It is time to raise better sons

In Pakistan, we have witnessed several episodes of violence, harassment, repression and even murder of several women across the various layers of our economic strata.

From the affluent Noor Mukaddam to the totally unknown little Zainab, we have seen countless girls and women of all age groups suffer at the hands of the most brutal and violent men. The nation weeps, talks about it everywhere, condemns it too — but then forgets about it until the next cycle of violence impacts yet another girl/woman.

What we don’t do is look within our homes, our society and our social structures to see that perhaps we are breeding the same type of males within our homes whose actions may not make national headlines today, but they certainly have the same capacity to make the wrong headlines later on in life. It is time we focus more on the male child and try and raise better sons.

If we observe an average household, the entire focus lies on the girl child. From her looks, to her clothes, to the way she walks, talks, eats or even thinks is analysed through a microscopic view and often results in constant lecturing, arguments, scolding and at times even mental and physical abuse. She has to learn to live within a cage right from the day she is born. She may be loved dearly at home, but the demands of the family values and society reign supreme in the hearts and minds of the parents and male siblings, and she alone is expected to be the carrier of those values, belief systems and morality throughout her life.

She is taught to obey, follow and dare not to dream. Marriage and not education or a career is to be her ambition. Families also raise her as someone else’s property and try to make her a perfect wife to be given away sooner rather than later. In other words, she becomes the only focus, tension and anxiety of the entire household.

In the midst of all this, the male child is often raised differently. He is born with a natural sense of freedom, defiance and authority. He is given the space to question, command and even dictate himself inside and outside the house. He can wear what he wants, he can walk, sit or sleep any way he wants, and he has the choice to say no to anything.

The ‘boys will be boys’ mantra allows for more acceptability of being macho, exhibiting bravado and temper. The male child is brought up with a great sense of privilege for being a male in the house. So, no tutoring on any family values, moral codes or any social pressures. Many boys don’t have to check in or check out for literally anything. 

Late nights or all-nighters with little or mild questioning is a norm in many homes. So, while the sisters are hidden away to be groomed to be obedient and morally correct women, boys do not endure such training or expectations. They can get away with murder.

As a consequence of the above, the everyday life of most girls and most boys is marked by aggression and violence against women in many households. Society has heard and seen countless episodes of harassment and even subjugation and the country today is called the most dangerous place for women in the world.

According to the World Economic Forum’s annual Global Gender Gap report, Pakistan has now fallen to last place, ranking 148 out of 148 countries. This latest statistic isn’t a shock or a deviation from what many have been screaming about and fighting for. 

It stamps the correctness of many women and men who have raised their voices to make this country a better place for the other and lesser-heard part of the population.

A key element largely missing from the early childhood education of the male child, both at home and in schools, is the focus on emotional intelligence. This focus will actually resolve many social issues of our country. 

Teaching boys how to regulate their emotions can lead to crime prevention, addiction prevention and suicide prevention. It’s how we stop raising adult men that explode, implode or shut down at the first sight of discomfort and disagreement. 

Emotional regulation is not just a soft skill but survival. It’s the foundation of a society where people can disagree without dehumanising each other, where accountability is not seen as an attack and conflict doesn’t always have to mean violence. If we want a better society, we must instil emotional regulation/intelligence in the early childhood education of our boys.

Our boys also need to be taught the meaning and importance of consent. They should be taught right from the beginning that when a girl says no, it means no. He should understand that like him she too has a right to her body, mind and approach in life. She too is a human and is just different from him. That he should learn to treat her like a human and not look at her like a claimant. 

Perhaps a bit more detailed understanding of woman’s biological cycle will make him comprehend a lot about a woman’s moods, attitudes and overall outlook in life. This would certainly go a long way in curbing the “mansplaining” or undermining many things related to a woman.

At the end of the day, a young boy also needs a healthy role model. Since boys also tend to ape their fathers, it is important that fathers also realise that raising their children is their responsibility too. It is not just the mother’s JD to raise children. 

The father too needs to implant good habits, good deeds and what is or isn’t acceptable behaviour. If a father isn’t any of those factors himself, he will be a miserable role model for the young boy as he, most probably, will sadly grow up to be just like him. However, if the father is respectful towards the mother, accepts her viewpoints and treats her like an equal, the son too will most likely be like him.

It is crucial to educate our boys on how important gender equality is and what misogyny is and how horrible and unacceptable it is. They must be brought up as feminists and be told about the important role a woman plays both inside and equally if not more outside the homes as well not just for the household but also for a nation. 

He must see, hear, read about and understand female role models of the family, country and the world. Lastly, he must be taught that real men can cry too as there is nothing wrong with expressing this sentiment and also that real men don’t make girls cry ever.

In the end, it is safe to ask our media to show more plays like Qarz-e-Jaan, which shows the impact of a boy's poor upbringing, played very well by Nameer Khan. It is important to tell schools to groom our boys better. And it is extremely important for our parents to focus much more on our boys, and that too from the early years.

Disclaimer: The viewpoints expressed in this piece are the writer's own and don't necessarily reflect Geo.tv's editorial policy

The writer is an educationist and International baccalaureate (IB) consultant. He tweets/posts: @TBandey

Originally published in The News